My Gut Journey....The Why?

Just in case you are interested, here is the why to my gut journey. (P.S. That is not my gut in the picture.)

I have suffered depression, anxiety, stomach issues and headaches since my late teens, mixed in with my PCOS and severe gluten intolerance  - I am about to tick over to 41 years old, suffice to say it has been a while.

I have been through many a doctors waiting room and thumbed through many an out-of-date trashy magazine - GPs, psychiatrist (I love her!), neurologist, headache specialist, gynaecologist, endocrinologist, naturopath, osteopath, chiropractor, physiotherapist, gastroenterologist, etc etc, I am sure you get the picture.

Sometimes I feel a bit better but always tip off the "feel good wagon" onto the "shit ship". The main takeaway from all this time is being sent on my merry way with band-aid solutions - take this pill for that or that pill for this. One doctor even told me that headaches were just going to be part of my life - thanks arsehat.

Now I am just exhausted and well and truly over it and as my wonderful psychiatrist said, "you need to get your shit together". She sent me for some blood tests and a Bioscreen poop test (delightful I know, but oh so fascinating!). The blood results actually weren't that bad - which left us perplexed and a little disappointed, we had hoped they would show something outstanding and give us the answers to all the questions.

The Bioscreen test on the other hand, totally different story. It was BAD, which was good. This was more than likely the answer to all the questions....well at least some of them.

What does the Bioscreen test actually test for I hear you ask....well, let me tell you. It is a Faecal Microbial Analysis, which is basically checking out the microflora in your large intestinal tract. The good thing is that it checks out what shouldn't be there as well as what should.

The organisms that this test focuses on are aerobic bacteria (E.coli, non-E.coli coliforms, Enterococcus, Staphylococcus, and. Streptococcus spp.), anaerobic bacteria (Bacteroides, Eubacterium, Bifidobacterium, Lactobacillus, Clostridium, Prevotella and Porphyromonas, Peptostreptococcus spp.), and yeasts, (Candida spp.,).

My test looked something like this:

The Aerobic bacteria (apparently need air to survive)...
E.coli (there is actually a strain of E.coli that does good in your gut) - 0% (should be 70-90%)
Enterococcus - 10.20% (should be <5%)
Streptococcus - 89.80% (should be <5%)

The Anaerobic bacteria (apparently don't need air to survive)...
Bacteroides (Lo) 41.25% (should be 90-95%)
Eubacterium 13.45% (should be <15%)
Lactobacillus 0% (should be 0.5-1.5%)
Bifidobacterium 0% (should be 5-11%)
Clostridium 44.84% (should be 1-10%)

As you can, not the best....in fact far from it. Ever increasing research says that the gut is the real brain of your bod, so best look after it. Apparently with these dodgy guts Dr Lee and also Dr Henry Butt (owner of Bioscreen) are not surprised I am anxious, depressed, headachey and exhausted.

Therefore, it is time to get action (and stick to it).

The first integrative doctor I saw about these results sent me for more blood tests to check cooper, zinc, pyrroles, histamine and some hormonals. These showed that I was a Pyrrole (which is a biochemical imbalance involving an abnormality in haemoglobin synthesis that can be caused by "leaky gut syndrome") and also an overmethylator (basically someone who has low blood histamine, low plasma zinc, elevated copper leading to anxiety and depression).

Wasn't the biggest fan of the first doctor I saw, as I have mentioned previously, so this week I went back to the wonderful Dr Lee.....the good thing was that I had all the tests done and dusted so we could jump straight into my "get my gut better" journey.

Have you had a bioscreen done?
Are you a pyrrole? or overmethylator?

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The week that was....NINETEEN through TWENTY SIX

Sometimes the days are hard and sometimes they are even harder. You know the ones where you just don't want to get out of bed. I feel like that is what it has been like lately. It is been so long since my last blog post.

I have so many thoughts, fears, hopes and goals floating around in my head lately. I just don't know if I am Arthur or Martha or R2D2.

Too many questions, not enough answers lately.

Recently I found out that I have zero good gut bacteria and an overgrowth of bad bacteria with a parasite thrown in for good measure. I am seeing an Integrative GP in Manly to try to sort things out - as this kind of gut is apparently not good and will take a lot of hard work to get it back to "normal".

In my initial appointment I was totally overwhelmed with information I had blurred vision. It took a few weeks to come to terms with what has to be done. First step was to get rid of the parasite - the antibiotics were so awful I was extremely unwell for the whole ten days.

I can't even talk about work - it SUX. The End. But I have goals and plans for the next six months - get my gut sorted and complete my Project Management certification.

I think that is it for now.

Anyone got anything uplifting to share?

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The week that was...FIVE

What a week in Castle Stone!

Our little lady headed back to school this week as a Year 3 kid with the biggest smile on her face. This is a massive breakthrough for our little lady as the start of every other school year has been met with massive trepidation and anxiety. To say it was a super proud mumma would be an understatement.

She also headed back to her mini swimming squad sessions - I was freaking out and so was our little lady. Her first exposure to mini squads was a total disaster and led to screaming sessions and her little arms wrapped so tightly around me with utter refusal to get in the pool at all.

Queue a teacher and pool change  last term and we were making progress - she was actually in the pool even though she wasn't participating in the lesson.

Fast forward to this week and she was met with a new teacher (the teacher that made the progress last term isn't teaching anymore) and instant anxiety, she clung to me and said "I don't want to do it".

The teacher (who I am now totally in love with) said to her, "let's just give it 5 minutes, if you are stressed after that you can get out". She climbed in to the water and that was that....she swam the whole lesson and was amazing. She emerged from the water smiling and so proud of herself. Another totally proud mumma moment, this time I could even possibly have a tear.

This week also saw us at a new music school (the previous one has closed down) and therefore a new environment and new teacher, our little lady was a bit anxious about this as new places, situations and people are what make her most anxious. However, her teacher was beyond lovely and our little man and I got to sit in on her first lesson and she is actually really good. The teacher was very impressed as was I. And yet another proud mumma moment.

Our little man also headed back to swimming lessons. My parentals take him on a Friday. Reports were not good - he didn't want to get in the water. Once in the water he did not want to participate and was not giving the teacher anything at all. Apparently he wouldn't even look at her. Queue my anxiety and that of my parentals and discussions on how we can get him to engage in his swimming lessons.

After all that I am totally exhausted! And still trying to get my head around being back in to the routine of drop-offs, pick-ups, after school activities, dinners, lunches etc etc.

My list of ten

My steps were a bit up on last week but nothing to scream from the rooftops about. Michelle Bridges 12wbt kicks off next week for me - so I will definitely be moving! My goal is to increase my fitness enough to play summer soccer with a friend. 

Still loving my meditation and mindfulness. 

I headed back to my naturopath this week after five months. She is such a lovely, caring soul. I am back on Vitamin B's, Probiotics and a tonic in an attempt for more energy and better gut health. 

I definitely feel like I am going with the flow a lot more - the anger levels seem to be a lot lower than recent times. 

How was your week?

Got kids back at school? How do you cope with the routine?

{Life} The one where I gained a few kg's

It seems that my decadent #MonthofSam and our three months of living out of home, which was full of unhealthy eating and no exercise have left behind some unwanted kilograms - DAMN IT!

I started last year with the mindset to be a fitter, healthier version of myself and got off to a cracking start. I was meditating regularly (which I still do), exercising, eating healthily, seeing a naturopath - I am sure you get the idea.

But come mid year, what with winter in full swing and my SAD kicking in and the renovation ramping up, the fitter, heatlhier Sam seemed to be wavering.

Roll on September and our move out the of house to make way for demolition and builders and we were all of sudden eating a lot of takeaway food.

Then came November and the #MonthOfSam with all the food and drink - oh the joy!

All of that, mixed in with work stress, renovation stress, kid stress which resulted in chocolate and biscuit quick fixes.....and fitter, healthier me was nowhere to be seen - she had gone.

Now it is December and the realisation of these extra kilos has really started to sink in. Queue depression, body issues and extreme low self esteem - the triple threat! It seriously messes with your head. Mirrors are the enemy, exaggerating (and then some) your flaws and flab. Clothes you used to love, don't love you back anymore. You feel everywhere you go there are judgey eyes and side way glances teamed with whispers.

But enough of that - it is time to also queue a reset of the mindset - back to the fitter, healthier Sam.

So, what does that mean...well it means healthy eating, no more takeaways or fast food (for anyone in the family) and it means exercising, I have signed up for a round of 12wbt to get me right back on track and am striving to hit 10,000 steps per day.

Deep breath (and lots of them).

Have unwanted kg's snuck up on you? 

Have you had a reset of the mindset?

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{Life} Our top two meditation apps

The mind is a powerful place. Little miss and I both have anxious minds. Minds that busily catatrophise tiny things into great big scary things. 

There is nothing wrong with this. Nothing at all. 

We are very aware of our powerfully anxious minds and therefore take measures to ease the worry. 

One of those measures is meditation. Every morning on the train I meditate for 10 minutes. Every night at bed time Little Miss meditates for varying times between 5 and 10 minutes. 

We researched apps and spoke to friends and have found that the two we like the most are Smiling Mind and Headspace. 

Both apps are anywhere, anytime and awesome. Little Miss and I enjoy both of them and use each on a daily basis.

Smiling mind is completely free and has meditation sessions aimed at different age groups (which I love). It also has a Bite Size section for those times in the car when you need some mindfulness and fast! Check it out at http://smilingmind.com.au/.

Headspace gives you a free Take10 allowing you a taster of the Headspace program. Once you have subscribed, you have access to hundreds of hours of content ranging from stress, creativity to relationships and happiness. 

Little miss loves Headspace's animatations as they take you through how the program works and what you will get out of it. Check it out at https://www.headspace.com/headspace-meditation-app.

Do you meditate?

Got any apps to recommend?

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Triggers

Triggers. I never thought about them. In fact I never even knew I had them. Until this past week.

I wrote a post last week called Overwhelmed and I talked about feeling completely thrown by my daughter starting school. I called my psychiatrist and scheduled an emergency appointment.

It is hard to describe the feeling of anxiety and utter fear.

That feeling that grabs you in the guts and drags you down to the abyss.

That feeling of dread the creeps from your toes all the way to the top of your head.

That feeling that you could lie in the foetal position on the bathroom floor, not talking to anyone, not seeing anyone, not dealing with anything.

That feeling that has your eyes propped open at night and your mind racing with scenarios that may or may not ever actually happen but your irrational mind thinks that they are all so real.

I was shocked that I was having these feelings again. It has been so long since they were this strong. Occasionally I get little flutters of anxiety but not like this wrecking ball.

My doctor said I was having such a hard time because our little miss starting school was a trigger for me. Apparently it has dredged up a whole bunch of subconscious feelings and events from when I was at school. Things that I had pushed way down, in the hopes they would stay there.

You see our kids have a way of being triggers for us. When they do something in their lives that we loved, like have their own kids then we are happy. However, when they do something in their lives that we hated, like school we are out of our mind bat shit crazy.

Upon hearing this revelation from my doctor I felt an instant relief. I really thought I would be caught with this wrecking ball for all eternity because I had no idea why I was reacting so crazily to our little miss starting school.

I knew it was a big deal, so I knew I would be anxious for her. But when I went into total melt down it really felt like I had gone into a flat spin and couldn't reach the ejector cord.

Hearing from my doctor put a lot of things in perspective. Just because I had a bad time at school doesn't mean the same will happen to our little miss. We just need to teach her to be brave, resilient and confident.

As for me, I need to deal with my own anxieties through therapy sessions, exercise, meditation, yoga and some herbal remedies.

Do you have any triggers?

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Am I ready?

In one more sleep our little miss starts school.

She seems excited.

However, she did wake up at 4.30am the other day worried about not having a pen and notebook for class. I tried to explain that Kindy kids didn't need a pen and notebook. She said she better pack them in her bag though, just in case. She now has a notebook and pen waiting in her school bag for tomorrow.

And last night she did say she was a bit nervous because she didn't know what to expect at school because she hadn't been there before. I tried to tell her as much as I knew, that we would rock up to school just before 9am and wait near the canteen to be told her teacher and location of the classroom.

This morning she woke up and declared with a massive smile, "Today is my last day of daycare!"

Is she ready for school? Absolutely. She is a fountain of questions about this, that and the other! She is definitely ready to start learning and soaking up all the information she can.

Am I ready? Absolutely NOT.

I have been anxious about her starting school for a while. I thought it was mainly because I worried about her making friends, fitting in and being bullied. These are all my issues, as I was bullied and excluded during school and it sucked. And the last thing I want for my little miss is for the same to happen.

But this week my thoughts have been on my little girl growing up and this being the first step in her independent life. It feels like I am holding my little dove in my hands, as I have for the last five and a half years, and tomorrow I will let her go and she will fly into this wide new world.

Writing this post brings tears to my eyes and crazy neurotic butterflies to my stomach as I think about it. My head plays different scenarios over and over again of her first day and even first years at school. What will they be like? What will she learn? Will she still want to snuggle and chat with me about this and that? Is this really the first step to her becoming a grown up girl? Will she like it? What if she doesn't?

As you can see I am a massive over-thinker!

I sit here attempting to listen to music to ease my heightened anxiety and Kylie Minogue's concert version of "Over the Rainbow" plays. I cry, thinking of my little angel starting this new journey of her's over the rainbow, where skies are blue and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

Are you sending a little one off to school this year?

What are your thoughts?

Do you love this version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow?

Do you love Kylie Minogue?

Brave little man

After writing last week of our little misses separation anxieties and feeling totally, completely and utterly overwhelmed, I backed up this week with our little man's first visit to daycare.

This would be the first time I would leave him there with the other bubs and carers, while I went off and had a nervous relaxing time at the supermarket.

The daycare is at the same place as little misses preschool class, so he has been there many times and seen the carers and some of the bubs too.

I timed the visit so it would be close to pick-up time for our little miss. My plan was to drop him off, head to the shops, get some groceries, run head back, pick them both up and start our afternoon/night routine.

I gave him afternoon tea at home and my palms began to sweat and butterflies began to swirl in my stomach. I thought I would be fine with my second bubs starting daycare. Apparently not.

Sweaty palms, butterflies and all, we headed to daycare. I kissed him and left him happily playing with his new little friends. I headed to the shops without any kids. Yep, that is right, without any kids. It has been a while since I have been to the shops without any kids. I wasn't really sure what to do with myself.

Having time to spare after buying the groceries, I headed to the preschool area. They were all happily playing outside and squirting each other with water. Thankfully they took turns squirting me too because it was 35 degrees.

I love getting the chance to watch our little miss play happily at preschool after the anxiety issues that begin our days. It is like a huge weight lifts off my shoulders.

Time was up! I raced around to the babies area and spied my little man happily watching the other kids. As soon as he saw me his little face lit up and he crawled over to me. The carer said he was completely fine, not a care in the world as he watched the bigger kids and laughed. One little girl even covered him in kisses and he was not phased.

Massive relief.

Don't you love when something actually goes to plan?

The last few days...

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have been the worst of my life. At least I think they have been. In some ways I feel like it has all been happening to someone else and I have been a floating in some dream like state, waiting to wake up.

You see on Thursday, Hubby called out to me, "Babe, I am going to pass out".

I ran into the front room. He was sitting on the couch. I crouched down and asked, "Are you okay babe?"

He said, "I am going to go."

And he did. He passed out.

I ran for the phone and called the ambulance. Told little miss to stay in the back room. While I was on the phone, he came too.

He told me he had a dream he was driving a Formula One racing car but couldn't see properly because there were lines in his vision - seriously! I was trying not to throw up. I was petrified.

He was trying to get up. I was trying to make sure he didn't move.

The paramedics came. Our little miss was freaked out. Of course she was. She is five years old. Her daddy was lying on the couch being poked and prodded by two strangers who arrived in an ambulance.

They did various tests; ECG, blood sugars, pulse, blood pressure lying, sitting, and standing. He's ECG was the only thing that showed any abnormality. They asked if he wanted to go the hospital for further tests. He said, "No". I said, "Yes". They said they couldn't force him.

He nearly passed out again. They had to take him to the hospital, they have a duty of care. Thank god.

Off he went in the ambulance. Our little miss was more freaked out. Of course she was. Her daddy had just been wheeled out of the house on a stretcher to be taken to the hospital.

My heart broke for how frightened she must be at all that was happening.

I called my parents and they headed down to look after the kids so I could go to the hospital.

On the way to the hospital I was panicked. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to think. Of course my mind was jumping to the worst possible thoughts. What if something happens to him? How do you go on without the love of your life? What will we do?

I called my brother. He always seems to ground me. He always tells me to stop panicking and that everything will be okay. He didn't disappoint, he said something like, "He'll be fine, don't worry and calm down."

After many hours of waiting and Hubby telling me that he felt fine and there was nothing wrong with him, they did more blood tests and ECGs.

The blood tests were fine. They showed there had been no trauma to his heart during the "episode". Apparently you can tell this on a blood test if there is a rise in some enzyme or something-or-other. So damn clever.

However, that damn inverted T wave was still showing on the ECG. They decided to admit him to the cardiology ward to have further tests on his heart the following morning.

Apparently inverted T waves alone might be okay but added to the "episode" he had at home they were concerned.

We looked at each other. "Aw, fuck!" we said.

The next day dawned. I think it was Friday. The days were already blurring into one.

Upon arriving at the hospital I asked where I could find him. They said, "He is in the Coronary Care Unit on Level 6".

I instantly felt sick and thought "Aw fuck!". The Coronary Care Unit, seriously! This was a dream, surely. He was too young, fit and healthy to be in the Coronary Care Unit.

He had more blood tests, more ECGs, a chest xray, and a heart ultrasound. The blood tests, xrays and ultrasounds were okay. The ECG still showed that damn inverted T wave. His cardiologist said he should be able to come home that day and be treated as an outpatient. That sounded promising.

Hubby told me they thought it might be something electrical with his heart. I asked what that meant. He said he didn't know. I said, "You didn't ask?" He said, "No". Seriously? Then I thought maybe he had asked and just didn't want to tell me.

The electrical heart engineer doctor came (I doubt that is his actual title but that is all I can remember from the description he gave us of himself). He said it was good that all the other tests had come back okay but the inverted T wave and "episode" together were enough of a concern to keep him in hospital over the weekend for close 24 hour monitoring to keep an eye on the electrical impulses in the heart.

We looked at each other. "Aw, fuck!" we said.

My wonderful parents came to stay for the weekend so I could come and go from the hospital and not worry about the kids. Seriously don't know what I would do without them.

Saturday morning dawned. His cardiologist came to visit and say that his overnight monitoring had been good. Another 24 hours of that and he could come home.

The cardiologist also shed more light on the situation and explained it could be one of several things; the first and best scenario, this is just the way his heart beats. Secondly, there is a blockage somewhere in the right ventricle, which would mean a stent would be inserted. Thirdly and worse case scenario, there is a fatty deposit inside the wall of the right ventricle, which would mean a pace maker would be inserted.

When he told me, I said, "Aw, fuck!"

Sunday morning dawned. He called me to say he could come home. Thank goodness. I raced to the hospital to get him. I needed him to be at home. I felt if he was home things would be okay. If he didn't need to be monitored it couldn't be that serious. If he didn't need to stay in hospital it couldn't be that serious.

But now he is home I am still anxious. I can't stop asking him if he is light headed, dizzy or feeling faint. I think I am driving him more crazy than the nurses and the boredom of the hospital.

I want and need him to be okay. We are in this thing called life together.

The only definitive test to find out what his heart is up to is a cardiac MRI. He has been booked in to have one on Wednesday.

Now we wait. Three more sleeps. We wait.

Thankfully since the "episode" on Thursday there have been no others. This is a good sign.

I think it is Sunday today. I am not sure where my head is at. It is like everything is floating. Suspended in time. Until Wednesday at least.

For now I will cross my fingers that this is just the way Hubby's heart beats.

It is time to prioritise

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I am an "over" type person....

I am over anxious. The smallest things seem to spin me into an anxious mess; Little Mr 0 crying, Hubby being late home from work, Little Miss 4 getting sick...the list goes on. Small, tiny things that other people wouldn't even think about, let alone actually dwell on, tie me up in knots.

I am an over analyser. I think too much about everything. What people say, what they don't say, their actions, their looks. I go over conversations again and again in my head analysing and analysing to the minutest detail. This normally leads to me being over anxious.

I attempt to over achieve. At the moment I am attempting to do a Bookkeeping course, freelance writing, write a book, look after a 13 week old, find my mother-in-law a place to live, blog, knit a blanket and make jewellery. Oh and the typical things - cook, clean, wash, garden, be a good mum, wife, daughter, sister, friend. This also normally leads me to being over anxious as I lie awake in bed at night pondering my to-do list and freaking out that nothing is actually getting done.

Last night when Little Mr 0 wouldn't go to sleep at 1.30am and I was over analysing the shit out of why and my anxiety levels were going through the roof - I stopped. I thought, "What the F*CK!".

I need to stop. I need to take stock of my life, my goals, my priorities.

I can't do it all and that is okay. I need to make peace with the fact that it is okay. I need to realise that just because I am not juggling a million things I will not get depressed because there is too much time to think. I need to realise that I might actually get things done when not attempting them all together.

Today I wrote down the things that are on my list and prioritised them. It felt good.

Do you prioritise?

Dear Negative Thoughts

Dear Negative Thoughts,

Recently I have read letters from people to their bodies. I thought that you, Negative Thoughts, deserved a letter way more than my body. I am happy with my body. I am not happy with you and it is about time I told you about it.

You came into my life with a bang when I was in my early twenties. You didn't come alone either; you brought your friends Anxiety and Depression with you.

When you arrived, I felt you wrap around my thoughts, heart and soul like a boa constrictor, suffocating me. You were always there; I couldn't get rid of you. You were a fog that never lifted. My head was constantly dusty, just the way you liked it. 

Together the three of you wouldn't let me leave the house; you wanted me all to yourselves. You bore down on me relentlessly. Telling me I wasn't worthy, I was useless and would be alone forever. Asking questions like, "How could anyone love you?"

When you started to make me physically ill I realised that you were no good for me and it was time for you to go.

I started seeing a psychiatrist. You hated her, she was trying her hardest to get rid of the three of you. I loved her. She was my guide to rid my heart, thoughts and soul of the three of you. We worked hard and have somewhat succeeded. 

Negative Thoughts, Depression and Anxiety, I am now in my mid thirties and there are still remnants of you hanging around. It is possible you will always be with me in some form trying to pull me back into the foggy abyss.

But you won't win. I will continue to fight you with all I have.

So don't get comfortable because one day you might just be gone for good.

P.S Don't think about moving on to anyone else either, especially my kids. I will teach them how to fight you too.