The last few days...

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have been the worst of my life. At least I think they have been. In some ways I feel like it has all been happening to someone else and I have been a floating in some dream like state, waiting to wake up.

You see on Thursday, Hubby called out to me, "Babe, I am going to pass out".

I ran into the front room. He was sitting on the couch. I crouched down and asked, "Are you okay babe?"

He said, "I am going to go."

And he did. He passed out.

I ran for the phone and called the ambulance. Told little miss to stay in the back room. While I was on the phone, he came too.

He told me he had a dream he was driving a Formula One racing car but couldn't see properly because there were lines in his vision - seriously! I was trying not to throw up. I was petrified.

He was trying to get up. I was trying to make sure he didn't move.

The paramedics came. Our little miss was freaked out. Of course she was. She is five years old. Her daddy was lying on the couch being poked and prodded by two strangers who arrived in an ambulance.

They did various tests; ECG, blood sugars, pulse, blood pressure lying, sitting, and standing. He's ECG was the only thing that showed any abnormality. They asked if he wanted to go the hospital for further tests. He said, "No". I said, "Yes". They said they couldn't force him.

He nearly passed out again. They had to take him to the hospital, they have a duty of care. Thank god.

Off he went in the ambulance. Our little miss was more freaked out. Of course she was. Her daddy had just been wheeled out of the house on a stretcher to be taken to the hospital.

My heart broke for how frightened she must be at all that was happening.

I called my parents and they headed down to look after the kids so I could go to the hospital.

On the way to the hospital I was panicked. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to think. Of course my mind was jumping to the worst possible thoughts. What if something happens to him? How do you go on without the love of your life? What will we do?

I called my brother. He always seems to ground me. He always tells me to stop panicking and that everything will be okay. He didn't disappoint, he said something like, "He'll be fine, don't worry and calm down."

After many hours of waiting and Hubby telling me that he felt fine and there was nothing wrong with him, they did more blood tests and ECGs.

The blood tests were fine. They showed there had been no trauma to his heart during the "episode". Apparently you can tell this on a blood test if there is a rise in some enzyme or something-or-other. So damn clever.

However, that damn inverted T wave was still showing on the ECG. They decided to admit him to the cardiology ward to have further tests on his heart the following morning.

Apparently inverted T waves alone might be okay but added to the "episode" he had at home they were concerned.

We looked at each other. "Aw, fuck!" we said.

The next day dawned. I think it was Friday. The days were already blurring into one.

Upon arriving at the hospital I asked where I could find him. They said, "He is in the Coronary Care Unit on Level 6".

I instantly felt sick and thought "Aw fuck!". The Coronary Care Unit, seriously! This was a dream, surely. He was too young, fit and healthy to be in the Coronary Care Unit.

He had more blood tests, more ECGs, a chest xray, and a heart ultrasound. The blood tests, xrays and ultrasounds were okay. The ECG still showed that damn inverted T wave. His cardiologist said he should be able to come home that day and be treated as an outpatient. That sounded promising.

Hubby told me they thought it might be something electrical with his heart. I asked what that meant. He said he didn't know. I said, "You didn't ask?" He said, "No". Seriously? Then I thought maybe he had asked and just didn't want to tell me.

The electrical heart engineer doctor came (I doubt that is his actual title but that is all I can remember from the description he gave us of himself). He said it was good that all the other tests had come back okay but the inverted T wave and "episode" together were enough of a concern to keep him in hospital over the weekend for close 24 hour monitoring to keep an eye on the electrical impulses in the heart.

We looked at each other. "Aw, fuck!" we said.

My wonderful parents came to stay for the weekend so I could come and go from the hospital and not worry about the kids. Seriously don't know what I would do without them.

Saturday morning dawned. His cardiologist came to visit and say that his overnight monitoring had been good. Another 24 hours of that and he could come home.

The cardiologist also shed more light on the situation and explained it could be one of several things; the first and best scenario, this is just the way his heart beats. Secondly, there is a blockage somewhere in the right ventricle, which would mean a stent would be inserted. Thirdly and worse case scenario, there is a fatty deposit inside the wall of the right ventricle, which would mean a pace maker would be inserted.

When he told me, I said, "Aw, fuck!"

Sunday morning dawned. He called me to say he could come home. Thank goodness. I raced to the hospital to get him. I needed him to be at home. I felt if he was home things would be okay. If he didn't need to be monitored it couldn't be that serious. If he didn't need to stay in hospital it couldn't be that serious.

But now he is home I am still anxious. I can't stop asking him if he is light headed, dizzy or feeling faint. I think I am driving him more crazy than the nurses and the boredom of the hospital.

I want and need him to be okay. We are in this thing called life together.

The only definitive test to find out what his heart is up to is a cardiac MRI. He has been booked in to have one on Wednesday.

Now we wait. Three more sleeps. We wait.

Thankfully since the "episode" on Thursday there have been no others. This is a good sign.

I think it is Sunday today. I am not sure where my head is at. It is like everything is floating. Suspended in time. Until Wednesday at least.

For now I will cross my fingers that this is just the way Hubby's heart beats.