Triggers. I never thought about them. In fact I never even knew I had them. Until this past week.
I wrote a post last week called Overwhelmed and I talked about feeling completely thrown by my daughter starting school. I called my psychiatrist and scheduled an emergency appointment.
It is hard to describe the feeling of anxiety and utter fear.
That feeling that grabs you in the guts and drags you down to the abyss.
That feeling of dread the creeps from your toes all the way to the top of your head.
That feeling that you could lie in the foetal position on the bathroom floor, not talking to anyone, not seeing anyone, not dealing with anything.
That feeling that has your eyes propped open at night and your mind racing with scenarios that may or may not ever actually happen but your irrational mind thinks that they are all so real.
I was shocked that I was having these feelings again. It has been so long since they were this strong. Occasionally I get little flutters of anxiety but not like this wrecking ball.
My doctor said I was having such a hard time because our little miss starting school was a trigger for me. Apparently it has dredged up a whole bunch of subconscious feelings and events from when I was at school. Things that I had pushed way down, in the hopes they would stay there.
You see our kids have a way of being triggers for us. When they do something in their lives that we loved, like have their own kids then we are happy. However, when they do something in their lives that we hated, like school we are out of our mind bat shit crazy.
Upon hearing this revelation from my doctor I felt an instant relief. I really thought I would be caught with this wrecking ball for all eternity because I had no idea why I was reacting so crazily to our little miss starting school.
I knew it was a big deal, so I knew I would be anxious for her. But when I went into total melt down it really felt like I had gone into a flat spin and couldn't reach the ejector cord.
Hearing from my doctor put a lot of things in perspective. Just because I had a bad time at school doesn't mean the same will happen to our little miss. We just need to teach her to be brave, resilient and confident.
As for me, I need to deal with my own anxieties through therapy sessions, exercise, meditation, yoga and some herbal remedies.
Do you have any triggers?